


Walk

by Loki_more_like_Lowkey



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers Tower, Depression, Domestic Avengers, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Loki & Tony Stark Friendship, M/M, Miscarriage, Physical Disability, Post-Avengers (2012), Pregnant Loki (Marvel), mention of drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-08-02 07:46:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16300958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_more_like_Lowkey/pseuds/Loki_more_like_Lowkey
Summary: Title inspired by the song 'Walk' by the Foo Fighters.Loki's invasion of Midgard definitely does not go to plan, and when things go bad, he's got to learn to start over, and learn how to be himself once again.





	1. Chapter 1

When Loki feel from the bifrost, he was accepting of his fate. He’d been so full of anger, hurt, he didn’t know how to feel. Odin had lied to him his whole life. When the frost giant grabbed him and rather than his skin turn black from frost burn, his arm turned blue. It was in that moment, standing in Jotunheim, he realized Odin had lied. Odin finally confessed that he thought Loki's presence within Asgard could bring about an alliance in the Nine Realms and foster a permanent peace. But all hopes for peace were shot to shit after their invasion of Jotunheim, war was on the brink. 

Loki had seen the Jotun. Seen what monsters they could be in battle. He was of their race, he too was a monster, but further than that, he was a stolen relic Odin locked away, like many of the other relics stolen, kept until their time of use was needed and then disregarded once again. Feeling hurt, betrayed and many emotions he couldn’t explain, he wanted to bring the wrath he felt to others. He wanted someone else to feel his pain. 

It was almost too fitting, Loki knew that going to Jotunheim would delay the coronation, but he hadn’t thought Odin would cast out his beloved favorite son. That- that was more than what he expected, it felt good. For once Thor had seen consequence for his actions. Wearing the crown, being King, it was everything he wanted, yet it wasn’t what he expected. Though, he knew he had to secure their future. Thor would have brought them to war, but Loki, he would prove he was a merciless king like his father, and prove his worthiness. 

Letting Laufey into Asgard was truly being a traitor, but Loki had a plan, and he sought to make it work. As Laufey mocked Odin, and as he went to kill him, Loki stopped him. Killing Laufey, he stared his birth parent in the eyes and ended him. To finish what he started, he fled to the bifrost after being hit by Thor who decided then was the time to return home. Fighting on the bridge, Loki sent an Illusion over the edge to distract Thor while he used the casket of ancient winters to freeze the bifrost open. Thor hit him hard, and Loki felt his ribs break.As Loki lay injured on his back, Thor calmly walked over to him and placed Mjølnir on his chest, trapping him onto the floor, unable to move. He felt like a trapped animal, unable to move, breath freely. 

 

Thor then began to consider how he could possibly stop the destruction of Jotunheim, as there was no way to stop the beam of energy, all while Loki mocked his brother for trying and failing. Thor knew there was only one way he could stop the deaths of millions of Frost Giants.

The Other then warned Loki that if he failed at his pursuit of Earth or the Tesseract was kept from Thanos, that there would be no place for him to hide from the Mad Titan's wrath and, when he was found, before long he would beg for something as sweet as pain. 

Earth was sweet, it would soon be his. Deeply, he knew he would fail, after all, he didn’t really want to win. Yes he wanted to rule, but not like this. Had he had his own free will, he’d done it a bit differently. All he really needed was to charm a few world leaders and it would have been his. But the other and Thanos ordered it so. They went as far as breaking him down as far as they could to ensure his loyalty, his role to play. He was himself after, all he had to save his own skin, but more importantly, the life growing within him. It…the offspring, spawn, child, things Loki didn’t want, it was a product of his torture. He barely remembers its creation. The memory was locked away in his mind, but his body still felt ill. Certain touches made his skin crawl, others made him want to hit someone, and the worst of it, he’d freeze up, and have panic, and would cry. Loki hated it, he wanted to destroy the life growing in him, but it was already sentient- it had reached out to him and was already attached, communicating to him through his own magic. 

It took getting used to, and acceptance but he eventually accepted the fact he was pregnant. He had to take better care of himself, he had to eat and how he loathed it. The act of having to eat was so annoying- he’d survived centuries on magic alone and now, this child was siphoning away his magic, growing stronger daily as he grew weaker. That’s why this battle was so important, he had to save his child from his masters. He was a slave to them, he knew he had to screw the pooch so to say. His brother loved Earth, he had his human there, and apparently some new friends. 

That first fight in Germany, he knew from there on, this was a bad idea. With his capture and transport, he found the humans bickering to be irritating. His skull was pounding, the child was making him hungry, and he really need to relieve himself. Of course no one knew of his pregnancy due to his glamours. His stomach lay flat to the touch, but bellow the magic, his child lay pushing against his bladder and spine. He gathered that he was at least five months pregnant- space had no time, or at least whatever hole he’d fallen into. Thor came to his rescue, for a moment before he began to try and beat him. Loki would never admit aloud how glad he was to see Iron man yelling at Thor. When Iron man yelled, “Don’t touch my stuff.” Loki felt something inside, this man would keep him safe, as long as Loki played along. So he sat on the rock, waiting for them to finish fighting, and he relieved himself. His bladder ached so bad by the time he’d gone. He conjured some food while watching them fight, after all the baby did need food.

Loki let them take him again, his plans were already in motion, everyone was playing their part according to the script in his head. It was beautiful, perhaps he would live through this. The child often grew angry when Loki was feeling suicidal, it didn’t want to die. 

As he stood in the cage intended for that beast the Hulk, he felt restless, he couldn’t drop his glamours, he couldn’t touch his belly, he couldn’t let them even begin to entertain the idea he was weak and compromised. So he never slept, he stayed awake the entire time, he wasn’t offered food, so he didn’t eat. His stomach ached so badly but he didn’t want to eat, nor ask for food. He didn’t deserve any. He was weak, he was selfish, he was a monster, a murder and he didn’t deserve anything. 

But the hunger and sleep deprivation got to his body faster than normal- the child was draining him faster now. After hallucinating, he passed out on the floor of the cell, face down, on his stomach. He had nightmares, reliving his demons, from the fall, to his imprisonment with the chitauri and The Other. No one wanted to see why Loki was passed out in his cell. They didn’t trust it to not be a trick, so they left him. When he eventually came to, he forced himself to stand, but his muscles were weak, they were now eating themselves to sustain the child- it was growing bigger he could feel it. It would kill him before he came to term. Forcing himself to remain together, he waited for his rescue, and when it came, he walked out, shoulders high. But the moment they were free and out of the way, he collapsed into a chair, and ordered someone to grab him food. 

His stomach ached, he scarfed down everything they had on their ship, and once they got to Stark’s tower, he ate everything there just to spite the man. It helped ease his pain, but not completely. He remained weak and tired, but those would pass once he finally slept. With the plan in motion, he waited for Stark to show up, after all the man would figure it all out. As he waited, he knew he had a few minutes, so he dropped his glamour to look at his developing baby. His stomach was quite large, with a hand on his tummy, he whispered to his child, “I hope this all works out my child, I may not have felt love for you once, but…I do now and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms.” Placing his glamour back over, he straightened out his armor and pushed away his sentiment, after all it would get him killed. 

Stark showed up, they talked for a moment. That is until Loki threw him out the window. After he’d done it, he’d felt some remorse, and the child was angry with him. Soon the battle was at full force, the soldiers had invaded, and Loki watched, waiting for the invasion to end. Thor hit him and Loki swore he nearly blacked out then. He feared for his child, with a last ditch effort, he played to Thor’s emotions and pretended to have a change of heart- however Loki knew deep inside that it was very real, he never wanted this. He didn’t want this destruction. This wasn’t how he did things. Stabbing Thor, he knew it was low, but he needed the distraction from his own thoughts. 

When the Hulk showed up, Loki knew he was done for. He was afraid, he knew this next moment would define everything, and there was a high chance this wasn’t going to go in his favor whatsoever. So when the Hulk grabbed him and smashed him into the ground, Loki knew he was done for. Hit after hit, he felt his magic trying to choose who to save, the baby or him. It seemed to have chosen. When Hulk finally stopped and threw him aside, Loki could feel every single broken bone in his body. His spine was obviously shattered, his ribs like twigs, broken, legs, no way intact anymore, and he was bleeding, a lot. Reaching out for his child with his magic, he didn’t feel it back, there was no response. It was gone, as the pain took over, his last thought was, “My baby is dead.”


	2. Where do I Begin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki Learns of his diagnosis and Odin's decision on what is to happen. The other's don't trust Loki.

The Avengers didn’t know they had a god bleeding out in Tony Stark’s tower. Loki lay there, unconscious, his magic trying to heal him, but it was too weak. At the levels it was at, the most it was currently doing was keeping his heart beating and his lungs breathing. SHIELD had begun its cleanup, and it was with a frantic call to Tony that had all of the Avengers rushing back from celebrating. 

They walked in to see Loki laying where Hulk left him, puddled in blood.

“BROTHER.” Thor shouted as he ran to his brother’s side. He kneeled in his blood, trying to wake him up but it was no use. The others walked over with caution, suspicious it was a trick. 

“Jarvis, give me a recap here.” Tony asked his AI.

“From when Mr. Laufeyson arrived? Sir?” Jarvis asked. 

“Go for it.”

A projector projected what Loki was up to while here. The security cameras caught him eating- practically gorging himself with all the food in the tower he could find. What surprised them was when Loki dropped his glamours for a moment and revealed his stomach. He’d placed a hand on it, he looked noting like they’d seen him acting, and he looked scared. The image was replaced, his armor was back on, and it showed the events leading up to where he currently lay.

“My brother, he is with child?” Thor asked. 

“I mean unless he got fat from eating all my food- I’d assume so. And after the day we had, I don’t even want to entertain the possibility of it or not.” Tony said rubbing his temples and going for a bottle of scotch. 

Clint looked at him and told Natasha, “He deserved it.” She shrugged. 

“What do we do?” Steve asked. 

“His magic, it should be healing him, but…its not. His injuries, they are too severe I think. I fear for the life of his child. He lays in a pool of blood, too much blood. He is barely alive.”

“Are we seriously debating whether or not we should let the man die on my floor? Someone get a table, fix him. He can’t face his crimes if he’s dead.” Tony said. He would never forget how helpless Loki look laying there in his own blood, organs failing.

Bruce and Steve gently placed Loki on a counter and began to asses his injuries.

“Tony…it doesn’t look good. Most if not all of his ribs are broken, his legs, his arms, his skull is cracked, jaw broken, from what I can tell, his pelvis. Its all broken, hell his spine is probably shattered, in all intensive purposes, he should be dead right now. I don’t know how he’s not already. The amount of internal bleeding…he’s not gonna make it”

“Jarvis do a scan and confirm diagnosis.”

“Sir, I disagree with Dr. Banner. If treated now, Mr. Laufeyson may recover. If his internal bleeding is stopped, and the child removed, he may live.”

“Do you have status on the child?”

“Sir…it is deceased. No trace of life detected.” Jarvis answered. 

The air was tense. No one knew what to say or do. Tony clapped his hands together, startling everyone. 

“Alright, we have a bad guy to save. Lets get him down to the labs- Bruce I suggest you scrub up, anyone else with doctor skills, scrub up too.”

Steve and Thor moved Loki down a few floors to the lab which remained intact. From there Loki was given an oxygen tube to keep him breathing, and Bruce cut him open. The glamours Loki had before were gone long before they’d gotten him downstairs. His once round stomach was now squished, and it was evident that this child was going to come out in pieces, rather than a child due to the trauma. 

They did their best to figure out Loki’s anatomy, but they struggled to find the child, it was only after fixing some other internal bleeding that they finally found the child. Slowly they pulled what no longer resembled a child out. Once removed, they cleaned him up, fixed the last of the bleeding before sewing him up and going to set his bones. It took lots of pins and metal to put his shattered bones together. It seemed that without the child in Loki, his magic was slowly returning ever so slightly. By the end of the surgery, his vitals remained strong and steady- a good sign. The last of his injuries they looked at was his spine. There really wasn’t much they could do- they weren’t neurosurgeons, and the best they could do was fuze everything together so it at least resembled a spine. 

There was no guarantee the surgery would work, or that he’d even recover, but it took nearly a day for them to finish piecing the god back together. They dreaded when he woke up, no one wanted to tell him he lost his baby. 

For the next four days, Loki remained unconscious, unmoving. It was on the sixth day that his hand twitched, and on the 10th that he moved his hand. By the 12th, he was slowly waking up. His magic was all but gone, he could feel that it was severely damaged, and would take a while to heal. The pain, is was terrible, perhaps not as bad as the torture he’d gone through before all of this, but it was unpleasant. He couldn’t stay conscious for longer than 5 minutes at a time, and it was like this for far into the end of the month he’d been there. 

Finally on the 32nd day of his hospital stay, he was awake longer than 5 minutes. His current record was 15- but the pain, it was unimaginable. He couldn’t move, he’d tried to move but he couldn’t feel anything. Deep in is mind he knew he lost his baby, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. He pretended it was still in him, he’d talk to his stomach, he’d try to will his hand to his belly but it wouldn’t budge. Not that he could see his Belly due to how he was laying. Only Dr. Banner had been into see him and that was once. He’d been asleep every other time. Needles went into his hand, he could see that, but he didn’t know what they were or what they did. 

Jarvis monitored him the entire time. Everyone found it creepy that he spoke to his stomach, but then they realized no one had ever told him he’d lost the baby, let alone what was wrong with him. This bothered Tony. So while no one was around, he took a stroll to visit Loki. The god of mischief lay in the bed, looking less like death, but still unwell. It seemed that Bruce lacked bedside manner, and had let the patient to his own devices, nothing for him to do- which meant once Loki was well enough, Tony was sure he’d cause mischief. 

“Hello there reindeer games. How you feeling?”

“Wouldn’t you want to know. No one’s explained anything! Why can’t I feel anything.” Loki’s reaction had started off angry, but ended sounding broken.

“I can explain for you.” Tony offered.

“Please do, mortal.”

“You’re looking pretty mortal there too. So quit your bitching and let me explain. Alright, good. To start us off, lets start with that pretty head of yours. You had a skull fracture, broken jaw, nose, all that good stuff. Your magic did heal the brain trauma so that’s an upside, otherwise we’d be having a different conversation- one with you drooling on yourself. Moving on, Broken collar bones, sternum and all of your ribs were broken. Some did puncture a lung- again magic kept you alive through that. Your Pelvis is broken, hip was dislocated, badly. Both legs suffered breaks and fractures as did your ankles and feet. On top of broken collar bones, one shoulder was dislocated, the arm broken. Your other wrist is broken as well as hand.”

“What aren’t you telling me? Why can’t I feel anything?”

“Your spine was shattered. It was basically gone. They reconstructed it as best as they could, but until all the swelling goes down, they aren’t sure if you’ll feel anything…if you do get your magic up, it may be a different story.”

Loki was scared, he was vulnerable. He knew many wanted to kill him, and all they had to do was walk in and smother him with the pillow he lay on.

“I…I assume you know now….” He couldn’t say it. His fear, it was overwhelming.

“The child….it was gone before they’d began surgery. It had succumbed to its injuries…her injuries.”

“No…nononononNO.” Loki cried. He couldn’t even move his body as he began to sob.

Tony got closer to Loki. He grabbed his hand, knowing the god couldn’t feel it. 

“It’s going to be okay.” He wasn’t too sure why he was trying to comfort the man who threw him out a window of the 80th floor only a month ago, but he was doing it.

He kept his hand in Loki’s line of vision and gently touched his cheek, whipping away the tears, trying to soothe the other man. But Loki wasn’t calming down, he was getting more worked up. Soon an alarm on the bed was going off and Bruce rushed in, assessed the situation and sedated Loki before yelling at Tony for being reckless. 

“He had no clue what was going on, why he couldn’t feel or move, let alone his child was dead. We ought to be decent to him, show him humanity, humility. Make him learn, from what Thor said, leaving him to his own devices, and in pain is what caused a lot of what it did. We need answers, and in order to get them, we gotta play nice. Do what he does, manipulate.”

“Yeah and when he whammies you and tries to start another fight?”

“Have you seen him? He can’t move, let alone feel his body. I built a device, I can measure his magic, I can assure you, he doesn’t have very much. His batteries are at like 2%, its going to take weeks for him to get remotely powerful enough to hurt us.” Tony countered back.

“And once he can hurt us?”

“well we don’t let him hurt us first off, second, we ship him off to daddy, and see what daddy wants to do with his runaway child.”

Bruce shook his head and left the room before he could get anymore frustrated. Tony sat and watched Loki sleep. Thor walked in silently and motioned for Stark to leave the room for a moment. 

“I spoke with my father,” He started. 

“And?”

“He has decided to leave Loki here, however there are conditions. One, he has nearly stripped Loki of his magic- he is at what you could say, 2%, just enough to keep him alive…not enough to truly heal him. Second, Loki must learn humility, and truly learn his lesson- he must live side by side by mortals, he must feel remorse, and sorrow for what he has done. When the All-Father has decided he has learned his lesson, will no longer act hostile, or as a threat to Midgard, he shall receive some of his magic back. He must earn it, and only then could he consider returning to Asgard, as of now, he has been disowned, cut off and holds no claim to Asgard, or anything. For your troubles, the All-Father has given to me to you much gold and silver, hoping it may help with repairs and aid for what Loki has done. He…he is my Brother, but Odin says as of now he is disowned, and not welcome home. I hope you may get to the bottom of this, and learn of what troubles my brother.” Thor told him before walking off, not giving Tony a chance to complain, or say no.

All Tony could do was shake his head. “I need a drink.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the Kudos and Comments! I'm super excited that you guys are enjoying the story! :) I'm working on getting each chapter to be a bit longer than the previous.


	3. Bag of Cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's mental health is addressed a little bit.

Tony got a drink, in fact he got drunk. and After sleeping off his hangover, he told everyone the news. No one was pleased, but they had no choice the matter. Several times Loki had waken up to Clint standing by his bedside. 

“You wish for my blood.” Loki said flatly.

“I wish for many things.”

“Do it. Kill me, satisfy yourself. Use the pillow, or perhaps pinch the tubing that goes into my hand. Or maybe strangle me. oh yes, I can see it now.” Loki taunted. He was definitely in one of his suicidal mood swings- he couldn’t help it. He was trapped in his body and he lost his child, he’d been tortured prior, beaten and raped, he wanted the pain to end. 

“See, I think you want to die, and that is why I won’t kill you. You crave it. You need it, and well, no one here is gonna give it to you.” Clint taunted back before leaving.

Tony watched everything on his tablet. It was obvious he wasn’t getting better, and it was time they called in some help. Finding the best neurosurgeon around, Loki was transported to a hospital where SHIELD watched it like a hawk. Ultimately the doctor had fixed Loki’s back and what he could of the nerves, but they wouldn’t know if it would help until it healed. 

Loki hadn’t asked, but Tony had gotten him a TV for his room, as he was sure the guy was absolutely bored. The others thought Tony was too nice, but he argued back saying the guy was paralyzed, couldn’t move or feel a thing, the least they could do was let him watch TV, and maybe he would learn something from the TV. Of course the shows he had access to was limited, and Tony approved everything that he had requested to watch, and he already had set up a pre-approved list.

While the surgery had corrected his spine, he still couldn’t feel or move. He was hopeless. Tony hadn’t visited in weeks- no one had talked to him in weeks, and he feared he was losing his mind. In his sleep he’d cry out in pain, cries that someone who’d been tortured cried. Due to his inability to move his hands, they kept him on an IV and feeding tube. They only changed the bags when he was asleep. The worst part was despite his lack of feeling, he felt dirty. It was obvious he wasn't allowed to bathe if he couldn’t do it himself. His magic was too weak, it was barely there, he couldn’t even magic himself clean, he’d strain himself long before he’d done anything, and he’d pass out in result.

As a result, his mental health did decline. He plotted all the possible ways he could kill himself, but all not achievable due to his condition. By the end of the third month, he’d resorted to talking to himself for comfort. It was in the middle of the night one evening that Loki spoke to Jarvis, a sentence that had Tony running for the elevator once he’d been told. Loki had said, “Jarvis, by what current means can be used to end my sad excuse of a life. I wish to live no more.”

Tony had nearly forgotten how broken Loki looked, and mixed with his current sentiment, he couldn’t but help look more broken.

“What’s going on Lokes? Jarvis told me what you asked.” Tony asked. He still didn’t know why he was nicer to Loki than he necessarily wanted to be. 

“What’s so hard about it Stark? I want to die. I can’t bloody feel a damn thing, I can’t move. I get it, I’m a monster, I deserve this, I deserve all that I have done…all I wanted was to protect my child, and I killed her. I did this all to protect her, and instead, it cost her her life. I never held her, she has no name. She should have lived not me.”

“who were you trying to protect her from?”

“I…the man…he shouldn’t be called man for he is a monster, the creature of nightmares, he…he fathered her. I have no recollection. He tortured me, for Valhalla knows how long, and when he finished, he used me and tossed me aside. I didn’t want that for my child, I wanted her to be loved…at first I hated her. I wished her to die, but she grew on me, she wished me to love her, and I did.”

“You’re saying there’s a bigger bad guy out there, one who had tortured and raped you, and he’s the one behind everything.”

“That’s what I just said. I wish to no longer relive it. I had to try and protect her. I thought I would die- Thor would probably take her in, and perhaps she’d be treated as if she were of Asgard, not some monster of Jotunheim. But she died before her first breath, I felt as her magic gave up, it chose me. Her dying act- a child of no more than 5 months in the womb chose to save her monster of a mother.” Loki was in tears by the end of his rant.

Tony did his best to comfort Loki, including holding the other mans head to his chest as he sobbed, and it continued for nearly an hour before Loki had cried himself to sleep. 

“Jarvis, do a scan and tell me how his injuries are.”

“Sir, it appears that his skull fracture has healed, as has his hands. Many bones remain broken, nerves damaged, and tendons torn. May I suggest physical therapy to keep movement in his body so that his muscles do not atrophy any further.”

“What is his current weight?”

“From first initial scan, from three months ago, he weighed roughly 180lbs, may i note that he was also pregnant then. He currently weighs close to 155. Perhaps putting him on a more solid diet may help counter his weight loss, at the moment it has not reached life threatening, but it is concerning.”

 

“Thank you Jarvis. Send a message to Bruce, tell him we need to do something, as what we are currently doing isn’t working. When was the last time someone interacted with Loki?” 

Jarvis answered, “The nurse waits until he is asleep to change IV bags and such, perhaps I shall say…a month and a half. You were the last to hold a conversation with him. Mr. Barton has been on a mission, though may I add that his presence does cause an increase to Mr. Laufeyson’s mood swings.”

“What would you diagnose it as J?” Tony asked. 

“I’d say between bipolar disorder and depression. He suffers manic lows and highs. Had he have ability to move, I’d even go as far to suggest a suicide watch.”

Tony sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was ugly. He had his own shit to deal with, and now he had Loki’s. Leaving his coat on the chair, it would give him an excuse to come back tomorrow, but also reassure Loki that he was really there last night. Going back to bed, he laid down and sighed, this wasn’t how things were supposed to go- the last several months had been a special kind of hell, it was rough, it was long and it was sure as hell traumatic.

It seemed that the longer they kept him isolated like this, the more he would never recover, let alone learn his lessons. What he hadn’t known was that Loki had tortured himself- forced himself to learn the name of every single life taken. He learned who they were, what they did, who their family was. He felt extreme guilt, and asked Jarvis to send flowers to every single family. Loki had killed before, but this time he mourned for the lives he’d taken. It was never his intent to kill so many. His plan had layers to it. His mind, it was able to be seen by The Other, and he knew his thoughts to be compromised. It was deep in his subconscious, in a place that could not be touched that he made the plan to make sure it all fell apart. So while his one plan was running, his true plan was woking in the shadows- it would appear he intended things to go as they did, which in one way he did, but he ultimately needed to show that the humans were strong, and they would fight back.

Once he’d gotten into Barton’s mind, he had everything to make it all work. So he played the villain he needed to be, dramatic and sassy, to get everyone to buy into it. What he’d done to Jotunheim- that, was done without true thinking and rationality. He thought he’d planned it out, but it was a mess. He was supposed to be the hero of the story, like Odin. But when the truth came to light of his parentage, it broke him more than he’d admit. All the years of never being good enough, it made sense. He was an inferior being, he was a monster, the creature sleighed in stories by heroes like Thor. He’d acted out of anger and pain, and look where it ended him. 

It took a lot for him, but he regretted everything. Had he not forced Thor’s hand-which ultimately wasn’t hard to do at all, and made him go to Jotunheim, let Laufey into the kingdom, and try and kill Thor, he wouldn’t have destroyed Jotunheim, the Bifrost, nor would he have fallen, thus being found and tortured and ended up where he is now- Midgard, basically mortal as his magic was too weak to heal him, merely it kept him alive, as it was a part of him. More importantly, he would have never been pregnant, and would never have known the loss of his unborn child. It felt wrong that it had no name, it pained him to know he never held his daughter, never knew what she looked like, if she was Jotun like him, or some other monster, or if she was blessed and looked normal. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered to himself, before crying himself back to sleep. It was in his sleep that he dreamt of his unborn daughter, she came to him. She was not angry with him, she wanted him to be at peace, she explained that she chose to give her life to save him, it was her will that had kept him alive. With her love surrounding him, he fell further into a deep sleep, one that was full of rest and no nightmares or memories.


	4. Can't you see I've waited long enough?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki heals himself again, its a slow painful process. Stark makes a few realizations, and helps poor Loki out.

Loki awoke to the sunrise. It was beautiful, though he couldn’t turn his head to truly see it, as he still had no movement in his body. It was for the first time in ages that he could feel a hint more of magic in his body, coursing through his veins. It was obviously not much, but it was more than he’d felt before. Focusing on his magic, he tried to heal himself. The pain was too much and he passed out, sweating profoundly.

Tony had gotten an alert that Loki’s magic had changed. Checking the notification and running a scan, he noted that Loki’s magic had previously been at 2%, it was currently at 4%. Pulling up video feed from Loki’s room, he also ran another scan. It appeared he’d noticed the change in his body and had attempted to heal himself, but passed out from pain. The scans revealed that some of the nerve endings in his back had been healed, and part of his spine had began to correct its self. As it was only a little past 7am, Tony made himself breakfast before taking some up to Loki, whom by then had regained consciousness. 

“I’m wiling to bet that you are feeling like crap, and food- real food, will help you feel better.” Tony offered as he walked in. 

“Haven’t you forgotten stark, I can’t feed myself, you need the ability to feel to do that.”

“Well, I’m betting that with a little more food in you, more than that feeding tube crap, you’d be able to magic yourself better.” 

“I’m far too weak to do it.” Loki responded, agitated.

“Hey, hey, shh. Don’t get worked up. Let’s start small. I’d say start with your jaw, so you can actually eat, as it is wired shut.”

“If I agree, will you let me see my daughter.”

“Lokes…its not pretty. And I don’t want to say it, but by this time, she is likely to have began decomposition.”

“I wish to see my daughter, Stark. She was inside me for months, months, and I never knew what she’d look like. I must know what the looked like.” Loki pleaded.

“I..I don’t know if you should. Loki, when they did that surgery, they didn’t pull a baby out, they pulled pieces of her. I can use the images we have and I can reconstruct her, but the damage…she had no chance of surviving, I am so sorry.” Tony wasn’t sure why he felt the way he did for the wannabe dictator, but the pain of losing a loved one was immense, and to have carried the child nearly to term, and to have gone to extreme lengths to protect them, and to have them die before birth, it was rough. 

“Please, I don’t care how badly she is broken, nor how bad her decaying body may smell. I wish to see her.” Loki wanted what he wanted, and he was going to get what he wanted. 

“I’ll make a call. But for now, drink the smoothie, and sleep some more, you look like hell.”

Loki never wanted to admit needing help, it wasn’t something he did, but obviously here he was going to need to ask, especially if he wanted to get his way. Gritting his teeth, “Stark, I am…going to need your help.” 

Tony could tell that it killed Loki to ask for help- but hey humility was apart of what his dad wanted him to learn. Rather than having a comeback, Tony put the straw in Loki's mouth and let him drink it. The smoothie its self wasn’t very big, Tony wasn’t sure if he could stomach it or not, and the whole jaw being wired shut wouldn’t make throwing up easy at all. It contained mostly vegetables that would help give him vitamins and things to bring him back from looking so sickly. 

Loki drank a few gulps before moving his face away as much as he could, which really wasn’t much. It truly was pathetic, his body was so broken he couldn’t feed himself, relying on the people he’d brought war upon to help him.

“When was the last time you had a shower?” Tony asked. 

“Before all of this? I can’t remember.”

“Jarvis?” Tony asked. 

“Sir, Loki is on his third month here, he was unconscious for the entirety of the first. It appears his last shower was preformed by an unnamed nurse, right before he regained consciousness.”

Loki hadn’t looked as dirty as he had to have been, it had been two months, and how the hell he hadn’t smelt so bad was beyond Tony. “Are you wearing a glamour?”

Loki rolled his eyes and dropped it. He looked worse, Tony had thought him to be recovering but he wasn’t. He was skinnier than imagined, his hair was matted and greasy, the dark circles under his eyes were nearly the shade of his dark hair, it was now apparent they hadn’t taken very good care of him after all.

“I know, vulnerability isn’t your thing. But think of it as this, you are conserving magic.” 

“I look disgusting, not how a prince should. But that doesn’t matter anymore does it. I’ve been disowned, I bet Odin’s waited for the moment he could get rid of the Jotun freak he’d taken from the temple in Jotunheim. I bet he regrets it now, he wishes he left me to die, so that I would bring no shame to Asgard, or his name.” Loki sneered. It was his defense mechanism, to push people away.

“Look, I can get someone to come clean you up. You’ll feel much better.”

“I am your prisoner, why do you treat me wish such kindness?”

“Because, One, things are coming together and from what you’ve told, you don’t seem to be all bad. You did bad things for good reasons, it happens. You were tortured…I know what that is like. They used and abused you, gave you a child you didn’t want, and then it was ripped from you- albeit it was in battle, you’re in pain. Here on Earth, our prisoners are fed, housed and allowed some things. This..this is what humanity is. No matter how awful of a person one can be, they can change, and be better. I think you can be better. But to be better, that means no more stabbing people, killing, trying to overthrow power and take power, scheming, causing political unrest, do you understand what I am saying?”

“I do.” 

“I understand that all that you have done is apart of you, but you don’t have to be defined by it. You, you killed 80 people in 2 days, and caused some serious damage to New York. Me, my company once made weapons, we killed thousands, if not more. I didn’t care how we made our money, I didn’t care for who we killed, but then someone I trusted tried to kill me, and he was behind my torture and random. When I came back from that, I chose to be better. I ended our weapons dealings, I became Iron Man.”

“I…I want to be better. All I ever wanted was to be enough. I wanted Odin’s approval, but never did I get it. It was always just a little out of reach. Thor was the golden son, he could do no wrong. He is beloved by many, I…they speak of me with disgust. Whispers around the castle of the freak son. Magic was a woman’s field. But Magic, its so much more complicated than they know. No one on this planet will ever forgive me. I must pay for my crimes.”

“Lokes, I know you’re hurting, just let me get you taken care of. Maybe even see what we can do about getting you a more comfortable room, some more interaction, and I’ll see what I can do about your baby, we haven’t held a funeral yet, but they did place her some where safe, so that she wasn’t just discarded like trash, I assure you.”

Loki seemed to accept the bargain. After all, he did feel disgusting and wanted a bath. Tony turned the TV on and left to make his phone calls. With a few deep breath’s Loki attempted to heal his jaw. While extremely difficult and very painful- much more so than usual, he managed to fix his jaw, and release the mortal bindings that helped it heal. It left him exhausted once again, and in pain, sleep was the only relief. 

Tony returned to see Loki passed out, sweaty and clammy. Having Jarvis run a scan, it was noted that Loki had healed his jaw, but to do so left him depleted of magic and energy. Giving the god some morphine, he hoped the guy would at least one day be able to at least feed himself, even if he were to never walk again.

By the end of the day, Loki had his hair washed skin cleaned. He looked better, if only by a small amount. Tony had also acquired the baby’s body. It lay in a silver coffin, it was as small as a shoe box, but it was elegantly designed. Tony had it made shortly after Loki’s condition was stabilized. The child was an innocent to it all. Reaching out to the others, most of them were on missions, none able, and possibly none wanting to help Loki bury his daughter officially. 

It was that evening that Loki, Tony and Thor held a ceremony for Loki’s daughter. Prior to the ceremony, Loki had received the body, scared to open the box, not that he could open it on his own anyways. The child, she would have been beautiful. Her hair was dark, skin pale but with a tint of blue, and only the raised lines of the Jotun royalty. Her eyes, they were green. She was in pieces, had she lived, she’d been no more than the size of his hand. He couldn’t hold her, she now resembled the monster her father was. His sobs ripped through him, and he screamed and screamed. Tony had opened the box for him and left the room to give him his space. He heard as Loki got more and more agitated. 

He returned to see Loki blue in the face, not because he was lacking oxygen, but because he bore his Jotun skin. Noticing his skin, he sobbed more and more. Tony entered slowly, he gently took the child and set her aside on the bed. Touching Loki with just a fingertip, once he knew he wouldn’t freeze his arm off, he gently wiped the other man’s tears and petted his hair, trying to soothe him. 

“My whole pregnancy I wished her dead, afraid of the monster she’d be. But she was no monster, she was beautiful. I killed her. I killed all those people, and my pain is my punishment. She came to me, she told me she used her magic to save me. She sacrificed herself- she could have lived, and I died, but she chose me…and I wished her dead, and I got what I wanted.” Loki confessed. 

“She loved you, thats what children do. They love their parents. She made her choice. Now she needs a name before we lay her to rest. Do you have one in mind?”

“Lorelai, and no relation to the Lorelai in the lore. That woman was an irritating waste of magic. But I shan’t give her those awful last names. She shan’t be named Lokisdottir. I refuse to follow Odin’s way of naming children.”

“So you’re saying you need a new last name and Lorelai needs one…Let me pull up a list and I’ll find you one you like….here we go, how about Lawson…Loki Lawson, its got a nice ring to it.”

“Its horrid.”

“alright, let me see, how about, Sparks? Williams? Frost? Fitzgerald?”

“Lorelai Frost….Loki Frost…it sounds nice, and i mean it does kind of pay homage to her Jotun heritage she has…even if I despise myself.” Loki admitted.

Tony let the comment go, knowing that Loki was a mess all over, and according to Thor, and what he’s currently now seen, Loki was not taking his true heritage very well, and to be honest it didn’t surprise him at all. The man had been lied to his entire life, and mistreated, and it all made sense now.

“Lorelai will now properly laid to rest, but for now, lets figure out how to jail break from here. Obviously we’re going to be needing a wheelchair, which I’ve already gotten.”

“I’d suggest disconnecting all these awful needles and tubing.”

“Y’know you know a lot about Earth- far more than Thor, why is that?”

“Well for one, it helps to know what you’re attempting to conquer, but also, I’ve visited before. When Thor was banished, I came to rub it in, I was awful to him, I shall admit that now. I, I was King and in order to protect my rule, and our kingdom, I told Thor that Odin was dead. Thor was not fit to be leader then, he was brash, quick to anger, and would lead us to war rather quickly. I got him thrown out and disowned but it still wasn’t good enough, Odin had thrown Thor out and he was still favorite. Then I learned about everything, and well I was mad. I studied where father had thrown Thor- he wouldn’t survive there, he was too much a warrior, and not mischievous, he would not be able to adapt like I can, he would be found by your leaders. See, had it been me, I would have talked my way into having a place to stay, and won favor with the leaders, and eventually the world would be mine, but things didn’t go that way, and ruling kind of sucks. No one respected me as leader, the undermined me, committed treason on multiple occasions, and I am the one who was punished.” Loki spoke, starting to get upset. 

“We can talk more about that later, how about now, I get you out of here and we lay Lorelai to rest.” Tony suggested, trying to take control of the situation. Loki agreed and watched Tony disconnect everything slowly. 

“I’d imagine that you would want to wear something other than this hospital gown you’re in.”

“That is a correct assumption.”

“Let me go grab some clothes that should fit you.”

 

Loki took in his body as Stark walked away. He still had casts but his bones were healing. Taking a deep breath, he focused all his magic on one specific vertebrae in his neck. His hope was that by slowly healing each one, he’d manage to regain movement of at least his head, wanting to be able to turn and look at something. It wore him out, but the pain subsided, and it was indeed healed. It would never be like it once was, but with his magic and healing, he’d be at least able to move parts of his body. Even he knew that Magic couldn’t heal all injuries. With the pain gone, and Stark being another few minutes, Loki healed another vertebrae in his neck. He was tired, but he was going to do this. Pushing himself and his abilities, he healed the rest of his neck. But it wasn’t without consequence. He was once again beyond exhausted, and in pain, but he could move his head kinda. It gave him hope- that he wouldn't be stuck like this forever. Closing his eyes, he let sleep take him, despite having plans for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been using lyrics to title most of the chapters, and I really do like the song I chose for this story. Its 'Walk' by Foo Fighters.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funeral for Lorelai, Loki's still recovering

Tony returned to find Loki asleep once again. Jarvis had however updated him telling him that Loki had healed his neck, though it would take some physical therapy for him to be able to move it more fluidly. He added Physical Therapist to the list of people Jarvis needed to find, and make an appointment with.

He let Loki sleep for 15 minutes before waking him and telling him he was going to change him. Loki was embarrassed, he needed help changing. Tony had chosen a green silk shirt and black pants with black dress shoes for Loki. He looked put together, even if he was falling apart emotionally. Green was definitely his color. 

“I wish her body to be burned. In Asgard, the bodies are placed on boats and sent to the edge on fire. She…I do not wish her to be the source of science. Let her lay at rest, if she’s burned, there will be nothing left.”

Tony understood what Loki was asking. 

“The lab can withstand a reasonable sized fire. We can hold a memorial there, do you want it to be just us?”

“Please…No Thor.”

Tony nodded, He then put some fuzzy socks on Loki’s feet and a pair of slippers. Hopefully the god of thunder wouldn’t be upset that he was now uninvited to the funeral.

“What are you doing?”

“Putting some comfy socks on you, so your feet don’t get cold.” Loki hummed in response. 

Once dressed, Tony disconnected all the IVs and heart monitor attachments. Working Loki to the edge of the bed, he realized he wouldn’t be able to move Loki on his own, the god, despite being underweight, was dead weight, and unable to assist Tony in moving himself. 

“I think I’m going to need help moving you to the wheelchair. Let me ask Cap, he’s strong and he helps people. He’s got that whole sense of morality thing going for him.”

Loki wanted to refuse, but he knew there was no point to argue, if he didn't get help, he wouldn’t move. 

“Okay.” Loki responded. It took a few minutes for Steve to get to the medical area, but he came in a pair of khakis and a simple blue shirt, he’d been ready for the day hours before the others even bothered to get up. He greeted Loki and then helped Tony move the deity. Both of them were careful not to agitate his back, and to lift him slowly. Once settled in the wheelchair, Tony buckled the seatbelt, and set Loki’s hands in his lap, with a blanket on his legs to keep them warm. 

Steve then left after saying bye, and was on his way else where, he didn’t ask questions and he did his best to not make Loki uncomfortable. Once Tony was ready, he slowly pushed Loki out of the room. 

“I know you’ve been trapped in that room for like the last three months, so on our way to the lab, I’m gonna show you around just a little bit. Nothing too long, just a few bits so that you have an idea of where you are.”

Loki made a noncommittal sound and kept looking around with his eyes, he had yet to be able to fully move his neck comfortably. His next thing he would heal would be his hands and arms. He longed to be independent, or at least able to move more of his body. Being cut off from his magic wasn’t a very enjoyable feeling, it often left him very tired, and he hid it as best as he could. Being unable to move often left him irritable. 

Tony could sense that Loki was on his way to a meltdown so he kept the tour short, he summed up the floor as being the medical floor, and where some stuff was. Soon they were in the lab and Tony had locked it down, no one had access at the moment other than him.

“How do we do this?”

“We shall leave her in the metal box you have provided, I shall access what I can of my magic, engrave a few runes, and then we shall light it on fire and wish her well, into the after life.”

“Okay.” Tony nodded, he then set up a place where they could burn the box- the box had a high melting point and would not melt, it would get hot but it would survive the heat. 

“I…can you place my hands on the box, I must touch it in order to carve runes.” 

Tony gently set the box in Loki’s lap and then placed his hands upon it. His touch was gentle and light. Loki tried to not look upset that he couldn’t feel the box in his lap nor his hands on it, or even Tony’s touch. 

With a centered mind, he said a few incantations and slowly green seeped out of his hands into the box. Slowly a beautiful carving appeared. Sweat gathered on Loki’s brow, and despite not being able to use his hands, his hands shook gently. When he finished, he had Tony take the box and set it up near where it would be lit on fire. 

“The runes, it is her name, and wishing her peace and life in the afterlife. Its all I can give her- I can’t protect her, I couldn’t protect her, I have to at least give her a proper afterlife.”

Tony, whom was barely holding it all together- the whole thing was out of his normal depth, he didn’t do emotions with other people, or being a supportive person, or taking care of someone else. He mostly kept silent and bit his tongue, he feared upsetting Loki, whom was barely stable.

“It is beautiful.”

“Set her down gently, and then light the inside of the box on fire, then place the lid on it.”

“Won’t that snuff the fire out?”

“No, the carvings will keep it going until she has burned completely.”

Tony nodded and did so. With one last look in the box, he tried to not let the image haunt him, the child was a dismembered mess, and the view would haunt him in his dreams for quite some time. After lighting her on fire, he closed the box gently and stood by Loki’s side. Loki’s tears rolled down his cheeks, Tony gently touched Loki’s hair, and his cheek. They remained where they were until the fire died, the runes in the box glowed bright for a second, and then became flat and dark. 

“It is done.” Tony hummed. 

“What do we do with her ashes?”

“We spread them, some near the ocean, some near the mountains, some near the desert, some near a volcano, and some in Asgard.”

“That can be done.”

“Thank you…” Loki said through his tears. 

Tony gently wiped his tears away. “How about we get you back in bed, and comfortable again. Tomorrow we will wander around a bit more, I think that in time you should be able to be more moveable, and less inured.”

Loki hummed, and let Stark take him back to his room. Steve came by to help Tony get Loki in bed and then was gone again. Tony made sure that the bedding was replaced while Loki was away, and it was clean and comfortable. He also got some clothes for the other man. It was mostly pajama pants and sweat pants, but it was for comfort, rather than wear a hospital gone for forever. Loki was grateful even if he didn’t vocalize it. After the change in clothes, he realized how tired he was. Tony bid him goodnight, and wandered off. Right before falling asleep, Loki willed his hands and arms to heal. The pain was intense, but he knew it would bring him a deep sleep, with no dreams. 

Awakening in the morning, Loki noted that he could move his head a bit more, but it was intensely sore and he was in pain despite his bones in his neck being healed, to him it didn’t make much sense. Tony came by later on in the morning, and explained that because his spine wasn’t healed much, all the neurons and nerves in his body weren’t working right and that the pain was a side effect because parts of him were healed, not all.

Tony brought in a specialist whom explained to Loki how the neck and vertebra worked and how a traumatic injury such as one he sustained, effected it. Over the span of a few days, Loki worked to heal the rest of his neck. Soon he was able to turn his head to the side, it was a small feat, but it gave him some hope. 

It took a week after that, but Tony managed to convince everyone that Loki should be moved from the medical wing now. Rather than give the god his own floor, or his own apartment, which would isolate him more, he gave Loki a spare room on his own floor. His room was spacious, with not a lot in there, it had a bed, a chair beside the bed with a side table, a dresser and a TV. Tony had it decorated in greens and calming colors to help keep the deity calm. Thor had brought Loki some of his stuff from Asgard, mainly a blanket from his bed there, and some books. He’d also taken the ashes of Lorelei to Asgard and spread them throughout the realm. From the mountains to the bifrost, to the gardens. Frigga had learned of Loki’s loss and mourned her grandchild. She never agreed with how Odin took Loki’s children from him and banished them. Her child was angry, he had right to be. His actions were not acceptable, but he’d lost almost all of his children in some way. His three, Fenrir, Hela, and Jörmungand, they were all sent to different realms. Then there had been Sleipnir, Valí, and Narí. She heard long before of the child’s death, but it had no name for the longest time. Once she was given a name, Frigga had seen to it that the ashes were spread as they should be. 

She watched her son struggle, and accept his body, both Jotun and the one he had that was now broken. He pushed his magic, he only had 4% of his full potential, and was making small improvements, but being cutoff from his magic was also hurting him. The longer it took to heal his wounds, the more permeant they were to be. She wanted nothing more to give her child a healing stone and fix him, but Odin had forbid it. So she did things anyways. She eased the nightmares of the mortal tending to her son, she gave him better health over time. He had yet to realize that he was healthier than he had been before. 

Loki had learned humility, and the lessons Odin had wanted. To leave him in a body where he could not move, was cruel. She thought Odin did it to prevent Loki from being a threat once again, but to leave him confined in his mind was much worse. She dream walked and healed her son with Odin knowing. One morning Loki woke up and was able to feel his arms and hands, he was ecstatic. The mortal brought someone in who helped Loki move his hands, his hands shook and were weak. The muscle had degenerated from lack of use. 

Despite how hard he worked, his hands still shook. It frustrated him, but he knew that once he gained strength, and more magic, he could heal it. Tony stayed by his side, brought him books, puzzles, the discussed science and magic, and everything Tony could think of to ask. Frigga saw the attraction forming between her son and the mortal, and she knew Loki was falling hard for the man, even if he denied it to himself. 

Tony couldn’t put it in words, but after a while, his nightmares went away, he felt better, and he didn’t drink as much. He was still struggling with giving up the bottle, but he spent so much time with Loki and caring for Loki that he didn’t drink often. The others saw the changes in Tony, but to them it was more drastic because of how rarely they saw him. Bruce saw that Tony had more normal of a lab schedule and didn’t stay up for three days straight anymore, he slept more regularly. Natasha saw that he was drinking less, and Steve noticed that when he did see Tony, Tony looked happy, and not so upset and moody. 

They could account it to his taking care of someone else, and the fact that he was occupied, and that he found someone to spend time with. They were worried that Loki would influence Tony, but if anything, they found that over time, Loki was much more approachable at times. He was still moody and unpredictable, but Tony had figured him out at least. He knew when to press, and when to back off. 

Things were looking up for once, and everyone was content that things were going smooth, but no one wanted to jinx it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the Kudos! It means a lot! Super glad you guys are enjoying the story! Super sorry for the lapse in updates! School and work have been insane! I'm looking forward to all the money I'm going to make in the next few weeks, but not the work schedule.


	6. The first decline, another state of mind

Loki managed to restore his magic to 10%. It was a long process, and by the time he had enough magic to heal the rest of his body, the damage had been done. The nerve endings had been damaged far too much. He was paralyzed from the waist down. There were some places he could feel on occasion, as it wasn’t totally gone, but at the end of the day, he was left unable to move on his own. Frigga was upset with Odin, Loki could have been healed, and he could have completely recovered, but due to her husband, Loki was rendered unable to walk for the rest of his long life. She thought it cruel, even if he had all of his magic, he would never walk, nor would his magic flow as freely due to the restrictions placed upon him. 

Tony did what he could to keep Loki entertained most days. He’d built the god an electric wheelchair that was far faster than it ever needed to be, but it allowed the god to get around the tower pretty much on his own now. Tony had also made sure that his suite was accessible, with no stairs, lower counters, the microwave at a height Loki could reach. After Loki had been settled in his wheelchair, Tony decided Loki was going to go out on a field trip outside. 

The others didn’t necessarily agree. They felt that Loki now needed to serve some sort of way to reattribute his previous actions. Tony thought that Loki being disabled for the rest of his life, which was incredibly long, plus the fact that he had been strong armed into the invasion, and tortured was enough. Others felt that Loki needed to be locked up, he was unpredictable. Tony could see that Loki being in-prisoned would only make him more agitated and dangerous. That’s why he wanted Loki to feel more like a guest than a prisoner with a fancy cell. SHIELD still wanted to get their hands on Loki, but Tony kept them at bay. Every time they tried to hack the tower, Tony was 5 steps ahead and throwing off their code. Each time they thought they had got in, they ended up out of the system, because Jarvis kept creating fake code and only showing them videos of cats. Tony was rather proud of that.

Despite the fact that his physical condition did get better, at least better from where he started, his mental health had yet to get better. He hurt deeply, and he hid it well, behind his different masks and personas. His heart ached for the loss of his child, the loss of his ability to walk, and to preform basic magic. Odin was making it difficult to earn his magic back, and it was nearly cruel, because he needed magic to survive. Loki only did what Tony wanted when Tony was there. When Tony was forced to go out of town for business, Loki didn’t eat the entire time. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. The one particular trip was two weeks long. Steve and the others were out on missions, leaving Loki alone in the tower with his thoughts. Perhaps the one thing he did without failure was torture himself over his failures. 

He had failed to bring his child into the world, he had previously failed to keep his other children safe from Odin. They were all now lonely and suffering until their deaths, which wouldn’t be for a very long time. 

For two weeks he refused to eat, refused to do anything but stare at the wall blankly. He was smarter than that though. When Tony returned, he’d be upset that Loki did not eat, or take care of himself, so Loki made sure his glamours were intact, Tony would not suspect a thing. The only time he dropped his glamour was in the bathroom where Jarvis wasn't in. Because Y’know privacy. He was thin before, and now after his two week long hunger strike, he was much thinner. He could count his ribs, they stuck out a bit too much, his cheeks sunken in, his cheekbones a stark contrast between depths. The lack of interaction with others pushed him further to the edge. All he knew was silence, and that reminded him much of the void, and it brought back his nightmares, and he often had times where he lost time, and would suffer a flash back. Tony called when he could, but because he was in different time zones and being shuffled along to each meeting, it was hard to keep up. Tony at least tried to get him a message a day, if not a phone call. Loki had been grateful for that. It kept him occupied at least.

Loki’s sense of time and reality diminished. Between nightmares and flashbacks, he was often catatonic. When Tony returned, Loki hadn’t acknowledged him, or even was aware Tony was back. Jarvis gave Tony the run down of the last two weeks- Loki had nightmares and flashbacks often, ate little, and his only interaction was with Tony. Tony had been upset because he asked the others to spend a little time with Loki. He really only wanted the others to get to know him, and understand Loki’s actions. Loki’s actions during the invasion really were not his own. He’d throttled enough of it to make it fail, and let Thanos know that Earth was mightier than often credited for. Tony had cleaned Loki up, trying to help bring him back to reality, but he’d been home three days and Loki was still catatonic. By the fourth day, Loki’s glamour fell, and Tony realized there was indeed a serious situation. 

Bruce felt bad for neglecting Loki and not checking in with him. He hooked Loki up to a feeding tube and they hoped to get something into him before it was too late. Loki remained on the feeding tube for two weeks, and in that two weeks, he only showed a bit of self awareness once. Due to his state, they had put him on a liquid diet and gave him a catheter to solve the bathroom problem. In the third week he finally came back around. He talked in small bursts, but Tony finally got him to open up and talk about what he was feeling. Tony would claim to the others, that brain surgery was easier than getting Loki to admit how he was feeling, and what he was thinking. 

He finally gave detail to what Thanos’s agenda was, which prompted the others to begin plans to prepare- they had no idea if they had years or days. Loki thought it to be at least a year, if not three before a move was made towards Earth once again, after all the recent invasion had failed. Loki finally told Tony the details of his time with the titan, and it often left Tony pale and sweating, and amazed that Loki was even alive. Tony had told Loki about the vision he had when he went through the wormhole. Loki explained that Tony had merely seen and felt the void for mere minutes, where as he’d been lost to it for at minimum a year. Time moved differently across the universe. Tony had given brief details of Afghanistan to Loki, but it was still hard for him to talk about. Together, they worked through their traumas. They both would wake up at the same time in the night from nightmares, and meet in the kitchen for coffee or Alcohol, depending on the time. That was another thing, Bruce wasn’t pleased that Tony introduced Loki to human alcohol. Now that his body was nearly mortal, human alcohol got him drunk, and having two drunks on hand was a train wreck ready to happen. Frigga had intervened with Tony’s drinking previously, but eventually her intervention faded over time and space, and Tony was once again drinking his traumas away. 

Often the two would pass out on the couch in their shared living room, Loki leaning against Tony. Loki slept better next to Tony, his nightmares still happened, but he’d reach out for the other man, and Tony reached back. They knew that they had some shit happen to them, but it could be dealt with some day. Loki had slowly gained all the weight he had lost. He looked healthier, and had been slowly improving. He still struggled with eating, as did Tony whom often forgot to eat because he was in the lab, were often reminded by Jarvis. When they both went too long, Jarvis would cut the power to the lab and make them eat before turning the lab back on. Slowly the two got a more regular sleep and eating schedule. 

Eventually a year passed since the invasion, and Loki had remained in the penthouse. Very rarely did he go outside- he had no desire to, despite Tony trying to make him go out. It took a while, but he realized Loki was afraid. Finally a word was given on Loki’s status on Earth. No longer was he seen as a terrorist, but as a victim. At least in the eyes of the law. Clint wasn’t happy but he understood being a puppet- and if he wasn’t held accountable for what he did for Loki, than Loki by default shouldn’t be either, since he too had been a puppet, but that didn’t mean he liked the guy, or wanted to spend time with him. When the anniversary of the death of Lorelai came, Loki had become more of a drunk, and uncontrollable. He drank his liver and then some more. A sober Loki was hard to find, but hungover Loki was also quite common. 

Frigga felt for her child, so she dream walked and soothed his nightmares when she could. She’d give Loki a bit more magic when she could- he’d restored himself over the year to nearly 20% of his full potential. He could do basic illusions and glamours as well as shape shift into something basic. The form he often took was female. When Tony finally got him out of the tower once, Loki had gone as a female. Her raven black hair to her waist, pale skin, and green eyes were stunning. She’d had a dark coat and skinny jeans, with black Uggs and a green scarf. She’d set a charm that repelled attention from them, but a few paparazzi still got photos and questioned who the beautiful lady in the wheelchair was. Tony left no answer, and left Loki nameless. 

After some while, Loki got comfortable being a lady around the others. His gender changed daily, sometimes Loki changed to a woman, and other days she remained male. No one really cared, they only minded that whomever Loki chose to be that day, they still did what they needed- eat, sleep and be sober. Jarvis decided that Loki and Tony both needed to get sober, and with that, the AI refused to buy alcohol, any attempt to purchase it was blocked. The two resident drinkers were not pleased with that, but they eventually did sober up enough and get their shit together. Tony often still struggled, but Loki understood what it was like, and they often helped each other when they needed it. The two grew closer and were nearly inseparable. No one else was sure if they were just really close, or if they were dating. After wondering for three months, Clint finally asked Tony. Tony had no idea that the others saw them that way. So he played back some video from the security tapes, and he saw it. The way he smiled brighter at Loki, and the way Loki laughed at whatever Tony said.

It made him realize that he did have a thing for Loki, and he didn’t see it. He hadn’t set out to feel anything other than friendship with Loki, and realizing he felt more than that was indeed a wakeup call. He just didn't know if Loki felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! between work and school, I was struggling! It was finals, and it was a mess! I've been all over the place lately, from flying home to going around the city catching up with old friends, time has escaped me a bit, I hope for one more update before the next semester starts! Thank you all so much for the kudos, and comments! I get so excited when I see them! :)


	7. I'm dancing on my grave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have Frigga's intervention, Tony's distanced himself and has no idea, and Loki falls off the wagon, and to rock bottom. 
> 
> Warning that there are some pretty heavy things discussed in this chapter, including a suicide attempt, vague mention of self harm (its not in detail), drug use and alcohol use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that there are some pretty heavy things discussed in this chapter, including a suicide attempt, vague mention of self harm (its not in detail), drug use and alcohol use. 
> 
> So sorry it took so long for an update! I had the worst writers block, plus I traveled a lot over December, and worked a lot in November. I'm currently very poor, my job cut my hours from 32 hours a week to 4 hours a week, I've got no money, no gas, my car insurance is going to be due soon, and I haven't a clue on what I'm gonna do to make this work. I'm a full time college student, out of my water, and honestly, I've been so stressed lately that its been a really big mess. Every time shit hits the fan, my anxiety comes back full force and screws me over really bad. I guess the positive is that I'm alive, BTS makes me really happy for no reason at all, I cry when I look at Namjoon, Its probably because he's so smart, and creative and everything he creates is so amazing, and I wish I could be half as talented and as smart as him. Whelp, this pity party is over, sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent for a second. 
> 
> yeet, thank you so much for the support for this story. I get so excited for comments and Kudos!

It was a slow moving process, but Tony did get Loki to go outside more. With more magic, he’d gotten himself to 25% of his full potential, he was able to put a glamour on Tony, and keep it going while they were out. Loki’s favorite look to give Tony, was to make him look nothing like himself, so that when the rest of the world saw him, they didn’t know it was him, where as when Loki saw him, he looked the same as usual. It made Loki more comfortable to go outside and not be crowded by fans of Tony’s. 

Tony enjoyed the glamours, he’d try a different one every time. His favorite was the one that had longer hair, and shared some facial features. To him, he looked like what he thought Sherlock homes would look like. But his favorite look, was not one he had, but one Loki took. As a woman, Loki had long beautiful raven black hair, that was often curled softly, and flowed past her waist. Her pale skin and green eyes, spoke of mystery and sparked a great interest in whom she was. None of the magazines could figure out who she was, or where she was from. People had said they not once have heard her speak, so they don’t know if she had an accent or not. When out at dinner, Tony did most of the talking, but then again no one knew it was him, so when no one was watching, Loki did talk. 

On one of the more public dates they had gone on- Loki had done as herself, and Tony as himself, for a charity thing that pepper had made him go to for the company, they’d dressed to the nines. Loki wore a beautiful forrest green dress that went below the knees, with her feet covered by her gown, she opted for converse. Tony himself had worn a suit, a green tie, and he wore converse as well. He’d not commented on why, or said anything, but he gave Loki a knowing look. The couple was proud that the entire time they’ve been in the public eye, not once have they ever called Loki, Loki. Tony has always called Loki by pet names, so that   
he wouldn't give away an identity, and it helped keep her away from people looking too far into her. 

 

With it coming up as a year and a half post invasion, Tony and the others had come up with a plan to stop Thanos. They developed technology that would essentially repel the Chitauri, and locate all the stones so that they could be protected better.

Loki hid his depression quite well. Tony knew Loki was troubled, but deep down, the god was struggling immensely. His eating was still quite problematic, but he at least appeared to be trying, or at least that was what the other had thought. He still grieved for the loss of his child. As Tony and Loki grew closer, they began to get more physical with each other. It began as awkward pats on the back, and became hugs, and then an arm around a shoulder, and progressed to cuddling. Now the two would curl up together in bed. Loki still had no feeling below his waist, so he couldn’t feel when Tony would put his cold feet against his shins, or when it got too hot under the covers. Sometimes he’d feel pins and needles, but not much else. 

After getting Jarvis off his back, Loki took up drinking again. It didn’t take long to throw the AI off. The longer Tony spent in the lab, the more increasingly drunk Loki got. Some nights turn days, turn nights again, he would be in a haze, and if Tony stayed in the lab for 32 hours straight, Loki spent those 32 hours drunk and crying in the bathroom. Loki’s weight had been dropping again, his lack of appetite and interest in food had left him feeling weak and fatigued. He’d sleep all day, be moody, and wish he was dead. 

Frigga watched as her son had fallen apart, gotten better for a brief period of time, and then fell further apart. She was beyond frustrated with Odin’s rulings, and Thor’s ability to follow them- he’d rarely interacted with his brother, only if by force. Loki had missed Thor, even if he wouldn’t ever admit it aloud. He’d been so very close as children with his brother, and as they grew apart, all Loki wanted was his brother back. The warrior three and Sif had driven a wedge between the two princes, and it took the lies of others, to label Loki the title of prince of Lies. 

So with a plan in mind, Frigga waited until Odin’s next Odinsleep, and made her power move. As queen, she updated the clause in Loki’s sentence, granting him more of a chance to heal his body and mind. Odin was beyond furious with her, so she packed her bags and told him she was going to visit her brother in Vanaheim. With Frigga gone, Thor on Midgard and Loki banished, Odin realized how lonely he was, and how his actions were not the best ones he should have taken. He let Frigga’s ruling stand, rather than reverse it. He then started to recall his children’s childhoods, and how he treated them. As he thought back, he realized that he truly did separate Thor and Loki, and how he let Loki’s true origin, despite the fact that he did not know, dictate how he treated his child. Loki would be as cold as his frost giant ancestry, and be a great asset to gain information from others but he wouldn’t rule as king, it wasn’t the plan. He’d been treated as second rate, less favorable and it was made known that Thor was the golden son. He’d received praise and love, where as Loki got disdain and reprimanded, often for things he hadn’t even done. 

From Vanir, Frigga had taken some healing stones and medicines before she headed to Midgard, using the pathways she’d once taught Loki how to use. With her magic, she found Loki’s location and projected to him, for him to meet her. Loki had gone out while Tony was in the lab, he’d just started in there as well, so Loki knew he’d have a lot of free time without his companion. So he left without telling where he was going, and he left as a woman. As soon as he was outside, he used his magic to create a better illusion, and hid his true face with one of that of someone he made up, resorting back to his male form. Going to where Frigga had said to meet her, he knew he would probably cry when he saw his mother- he’d not seen her in years.

Frigga smiled when she saw her child coming to her. With her magic, she saw him as he was, without all the illusions. For her magic was beyond the strength of many.

“My queen,” he’d said softly. 

“My beautiful Loki, oh how I've missed you my son.”

Loki bit back a sob. He was a momma’s boy. 

“I’ve missed you mother.”

“As have I.”

“What brings you to Midgard?”

“I changed part of the ruling for your sentence while Odin was in Odinsleep. With me I have brought some healing stones from Vanir.” 

“I thought that my condition to be permeant- no healing could fix the damage because of my magic depletion.”

“My son, I would like to try. I have hope that the norns have changed their minds, and have granted you this, for you have suffered deeply.”

Looking up at Frigga with tears in his eyes, Loki’s lip quivered before he began to sob. He covered his face with his hands, embarrassed to have shown such emotion before his queen.

“Shh. Its alright my dear, just cry, I know you’re hurting, just let it out.”

“Thank you for giving Lorelai a proper send off, I had tried, but I was limited.” He sobbed.

She rubbed his back and held him closer to her. “I have a place we can go, I shall attempt to heal you my love.”

Loki hummed, “If it does not work, mother, I pray we just let it be, it must be what the norns wish” 

“If that is what you desire, give me this once, and if it does not work, I shall leave you be.”

With a hum, Frigga then used a spell to relocate them to a cozy cave on the coast. There she gently picked Loki up, whom was far too light, and frail, and laid him on the bed she’d summoned. With a stone, she crushed it gently and put the powder in some water and had Loki drink it. When it began to work, he screamed in pain, it was not painless, for it was very painful and dangerous. 

It would take close to an hour to see if anything had been fixed or changed, and Loki lost consciousness many times throughout the hour. By the end of it, he was passed out, sweaty and pale. Frigga chose then to use some spells to see how the stones helped. She saw that the vertebrae in his neck were now completely healed- his job at self healing had fixed it to where it was working, but not to where it could be. The stone also helped heal the fractures in his facial bones, hands and arms, as well as his pelvis. His back seemed to be in better condition, the vertebrae were pieced back together and smoothed out, the fractures and shatters gone. However, the nerve damage remained. What she didn’t expect was for the stone to heal the parts of him that helped him carry a child. She’d expected that those parts would have been past fixable, but they had been fixed.

Loki was still far too pale, and thin, but with his back healed, he would hold an advantage now. Only time would tell if he would be able to feel his legs or walk again. Frigga remained hopeful. She took a rag that was dipped in cold fresh water, and wiped Loki’s forehead, trying to soothe the fever that consumed his body. After another hour, the fever came down, as did his paleness and sweating. It took another thirty minutes, but he was coming back to consciousness. 

After a total of three and a half hours later, Frigga was taking Loki home. He didn’t feel any different than before, but it did appear that some of the aches in his bones were gone. Tony had yet to notice that Loki had left the tower, so when he returned, Loki took a long bath, washing the sweat from his body, and retired with a bottle of whisky before taking a nap. It was hours later that Tony emerged from the lab. He’d taken a long shower before curling up to Loki. Both of them slept through the night.

The following days were hard for Loki, Tony had spent a lot of time in the lab, and Loki had no idea if Tony had been getting his messages sent via Jarvis. The messages were short, to the point and left Loki feeling a numbness in his chest. All he wanted was to tell his lover about his mother’s visit, but he hadn’t seen him in days. So to get rid of the feelings in his chest, Loki drank and drank. Not wanting Jarvis to monitor him, he’d leave the tower, pull a disguise on afterwards, and then find somewhere to get drunk in. Sometimes he’d disguise his vodka bottles as coffee cups and sit in central park. Other times he’d go to bars and drink shitty beer. 

Loki had done his fair share of drugs in the height of his trouble making days. The drugs on Midgard weren’t new to him completely, but they were definitely different from how he remembered them to be. He’d started doing lines of coke, it was a thrill, and when he crashed from that, he’d smoke some weed to edge the come down some so that it wasn’t as bad. Xanax was one of his favorites, but he reserved it for when he was at home in the bathroom. All the drugs he was taking was making him weaker and sicker. He’d grown so weak that he’d barely be able to lift his head some days. It made him laugh, how weak and disgusting his broken body was. What made Loki slightly mad, was that Tony had yet to uncover his drug problem, and it had started to go on for over three months. Stark Industries was booming, and that Pepper Potts demanded Tony at all sorts of events all over the world, all the time. Loki felt so alone. 

He reached his breaking point one day when he saw an article proposing that Tony and Pepper were back together. It devastated him. Why would Tony want some crippled Junkie when he could have a beautiful redheaded woman, who could give him what he needed, and could take care of herself. At that point, he’d had it. He was over living a life he didn’t walk. He’d spent three months trying to tell his lover that his body wasn’t as crippled as before- he could kinda feel things on occasion, and while he couldn’t walk, he could slap his leg and feel it slightly. Loki didn’t feel the need to leave a note, or explain why he was doing what he was doing. Tony didn’t care. Summoning all his secret stashes from his pocket dimension, Loki hid in the bathroom with the door locked. Starting with the cocaine, Loki cut multiple lines and snorted them off the counter before popping multiple tabs of Xanax and pain killers. He washed it all down with whiskey, and for the hell of it, cough syrup, Loki wanted this to work. Once he was high out of his mind and barely able to keep it together, he summoned a dagger and sliced open his hips, thighs, and all of his arms, he wanted the bathroom to be stained, to inconvenience Tony one last time. 

By the time he’d gotten to his wrists, his actions were sloppy and unable to use the pressure he needed. His vision was fading, and he knew this was it. His death was cowardly, not a warriors death, he knew he’d never go to Valhalla. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and lost consciousness.


	8. I believe I've waited long enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a sex scene at the end of the chapter, sorry if its awkward, I'm getting my information from other fanfics xD I figured it was time to start pushing things along, and progressing Tony and Loki's relationship. Always practice safe sex guys, consent is a verbal confirmation, not implied (I wish some people knew this, I wish I knew this) cause the right to say, Hey I don't want to do this anymore, is there!!! Just cause you start something, you don't have to finish it!!! Wish someone told me that when I was a youngling, aka 6 years ago.
> 
> I'm really glad that we've opened the conversation about sex in our society, and how there needs to be consent on both ends, and like what consent is. Because this wasn't around when I needed it, and now its there for someone else who may need it. 
> 
> If anyone ever needs to talk, hmu! I've been through a lot, and I've seen a lot of things, and I will always listen if someone needs to vent, or have advice given.

Tony had been a bit of a dick by neglecting his boyfriend as of late. He’d almost bet that Pepper was jealous of his new relationship because she’d constantly be sending him over seas and out of state so frequently that he was almost never home anymore. He’d tried to keep in contact with Loki, but it became hard with all the press conferences and stupid parties he had to go to, he wanted to take Loki with him, but Pepper had suggested against it. 

So after a long grueling several months of constant travel and little to no time in the lab, Tony got home to New York and was so glad to be in the comfort of his own home. He’d expected Loki to be in their living room, or on their floor, but he couldn’t find him anywhere. So when he walked into their shared bathroom, and found Loki far too pale, bloody and looking dead, he freaked out. 

Tony barely got the words out, but Jarvis had anticipated and breathed out, “There is a sign of life, he is near the edge, but if you act fast, you might be able to save him.” Sticking his fingers down Loki’s throat, he made him throw up all the pills. He also had summoned for a medical team as he did so. Loki’s unconscious body threw up quite a lot of pills and liquids. Once Tony was sure there was nothing left, He then focused on stopping the bleeding. It didn’t take long for the medical team to reach them. Soon Loki was loaded onto a gurney and wheeled out of the penthouse. As soon as he was gone, Tony began to scream and trash the penthouse. He had never felt so much fear than in the instant he first discovered Loki on the floor.

Following the team down to the medical floor a few minutes later, Tony waited for any news on Loki’s condition. It took an hour, but someone came out to him and told him that Loki was stable, but in critical condition. They had to set him up on dialysis to get his blood clean from all the drugs, give him more blood from the blood he lost, and stitch his arms, as well as pump his stomach one last time. 

Sitting by his side, Tony didn’t leave Loki’s bedside for three days. It took awhile, but Loki woke up. At first he was delirious and not aware of his surroundings, but by the third time of waking up, he had some recognition in his eyes, even if they looked dead. It broke Tony’s heart. He knew he’d unintentionally pushed Loki away- they’d cuddled, shared a bed and sweet kisses, but nothing more. It was when he thought Loki was gone for good, that he realized how much he loved the other man. 

Unfortunately, Loki was put on suicide watch and had to talk to a psychiatrist before Tony was allowed back in to see him. Loki was determined to be a bit unstable, his previous traumas had really taken a toll on him, one far bigger than what he realized. The current goal was for Loki to get back to neutral, and get balance once again in his mental health. Getting him clean off the drugs left him grouchy and annoyed a lot of the time, but he was trying for Tony. In which Tony then told him, “You need to get clean for yourself, not for me. Because it needs to be important for you. Here’s the deal, all alcohol and drugs are banned from the tower and any and all properties of mine. I wont drink either, we’re gonna do it together. Its not an easy road what so ever, but its possible.” 

It took a month for Loki to get through the first round of withdrawal. He was still far to weak to leave the medical floor, so Tony brought in a nicer bed and they shared it. They talked out what they needed. Loki had described how alone and low he had felt while Tony was gone, especially because Tony hadn’t answered any of the messages or phone calls he’d sent and left. It took a while, but Loki finally opened up with his struggles with eating. He didn’t go into much detail, but he’d summed it up as, he often knew he needed to eat, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, so he didn’t. Tony stood by him the entire time, and supported him. They eventually discussed Loki’s healing stone experience. 

Loki had remained bed bound due to how weak his body was. Eventually he began physical therapy to help counteract the atrophy his muscles had gone through. It left him tired and grouchy most days. However, after a week or two, his mood did seem to improve. That could be accounted to the mood stabilizers they had given him. His diagnosis was that he was unstable, and medication would help. They didn't phrase it like that for him however, not wanting to set him off. 

It was a long month, but Loki got to a better place. He could sit up in bed, he could hold things in his hands without dropping them. Tony was proud of the other man, he had come far from rock bottom. The two grew closer once again. Loki would encourage Tony to crawl into his bed with him. They’d cuddle and hold hands. Tony found that Loki often liked to set his head against his chest and listen to his heart beat. Loki claimed that hearing Tony’s heartbeat calmed him. 

When he was finally released from the medical floor, Loki had gained some weight back, was clean from the drugs, but the desire and with drawl was still there some days. With more physical therapy, Loki was able to refine his movements. His hands didn’t shake, he could turn his head, his back didn’t ache nor did his neck. While he could not walk, some of the feeling had returned to his legs. On occasion, he could feel Tony press his cold feet into his shins. It would leave him laughing and kissing his lover’s forehead and calling him a goof, but it was a happy moment- he could feel Tony beside him.

Tony also looked into why Loki’s messages hadn’t been delivered by Jarvis. Apparently there was a protocol Tony didn’t remember setting, that was enacted. It had silenced the lab entirely from the outside world. Tony had looked deep in the code, and saw that Pepper had enacted it when Tony wasn’t paying attention. She’d done so to separate Tony from Loki, so that he would focus on the company more. Seeing that he had no one else to run the company, he didn’t fire her. However, he wrote a code so that she no longer could have the access she once had with Jarvis. She had basic abilities now, much like the other avengers. Now Tony and Loki held the most power in the tower. 

Once Loki was feeling up to it again, Tony and him went on dates again. Loki got more comfortable with both his forms, he’d been having a lot of issues with looking at his body, and going through therapy had helped. He could accept himself and his body, and how it fluctuated and changed. His preference was his male body, but many days he enjoyed being female, and having a smaller frame. It was nice, sometimes he was smaller than Tony, and it made him feel things in his chest that he couldn't find words for. 

Their first date since rock bottom, was a simple dinner. They both donned disguises. Loki had gone as female, with beautiful long black hair, green eyes. She wore black jeans that had holes in them, with converse low tops, and a deep forrest green sweater. Her makeup was simple but elegant, with a few accessories to top off her look- a few pairs of earrings. In his female form, Loki had her ears pierced, with a total of 7 piercings between her ears, four on her left ear. Tony had worn black jeans with a white button up shirt. With a wallet full of cash, Loki put a charm on Tony so that he didn’t look like himself while they went out. They were a normal happy couple. 

Their dinner was Italian food at a cozy little restaurant they’d found on a previous date. It was one of the few wheelchair accessible places that was also not as well known. It wasn’t until Loki lived with Tony, did Tony realize that the world was not all wheelchair accessible. Loki would find places to go, find out it was not accessible, and would spend an afternoon upset. Tony would call his lawyers, have them buy that restaurant out from underneath them- kept the management and all the employees, and made it accessible, and to be nice for being a jerk and buying from underneath people, gave some of the employees pay raises. Tony would then Take Loki to said restaurant, and when he saw that it was accessible, and Loki had asked, Tony would say that it was under new management and shrug. 

Halfway through dinner, Loki teared up a little bit. She hadn’t ever felt this loved in her life. Here she was sitting in a restaurant her lover bought and renovated so she could have dinner with him there. No one had ever done something so grand, yet so meaningful for her. She had gently held his hand on the table and said, “Tony…I love you so much, tonight has been so wonderful.”

Tony looked at her with a shine in his eyes, and a smile, and said, “I love you too Lokes. I love dinners, and breakfasts, and lunches with you. I love when you laugh when I put my cold feet on you. I love when you get annoyed with something and are determined to find a way to make it work out. I’m inspired by you, you hit rock bottom, and you’ve risen above it, not once but twice. You’re incredible, and I couldn’t have asked for a better person by my side.”

Loki had tears rolling down her cheeks, she was so happy. Tony kissed her gently and said, “why don’t we take dinner home for leftovers.” Tony paid for dinner and the couple headed home. 

In their shared penthouse, Loki had claimed the couch to watch some late night comedian shows. Tony had sat beside her and gently rubbed the muscles in her back. Loki had left out a soft groan of pleasure at the feeling of Tony squeezing her tense muscles. Deep muscle massages always left her feeling airy and happy, the tension in her shoulder and neck would go away, and she’d sleep happily for a day or two before her chronic pain would come back. The nerves in her back and in her lower body just couldn’t be happy and work properly, which left her with a lot of pain, even though she wouldn’t admit it. Tony had rubbed her shoulders gently and kissed the nape of her neck. She shuttered, “Do that again, and you’ll be a father.” She teased. 

“Oh really now, all I have to do is kiss you?” he teased back. 

“Well there’s some other things involved, but keep that up, and you’ll be up all night.”

“I wouldn’t mind.” he whispered in her ear gently. 

Loki turned her head slightly and kissed Tony with great force. He kissed back with the same passion.

“Bedroom, Now.” she mumbled into the kiss.

The upside of Loki’s female body was that she was easier to carry than her male form was- her male form was tall and with Tony’s height, it wasn’t easy. Tony had picked her up by her hips, and her legs crossed behind him, as he carried her with his hands on her butt. Once in their bedroom, Tony had kissed her ankles before pulling her jeans down, and kissing the exposed skin as he pulled the fabric down. 

Loki groaned, she could feel the gentleness of Tony’s kisses, she was grateful her nervous system decided to work today. As he went to pull of Loki’s shirt, Loki stopped him and said, “I can’t be the only one naked, shed a few layers too.” She’d teased. 

Tony kissed her nose and then pulled off his shirt. Loki kissed his exposed neck gently as Tony pulled off her sweater. He’d kissed all down her body, she still wore her bra and underwear. He’d gently undone her bra and took her right breast into his mouth, sucking her nipple gently, and playing with her left nipple. Gasping, Loki tossed her head back into the pillows, it felt so good. He switched sides before leaving a trail of kisses down her stomach towards her underwear. Sliding her underwear off gently, he spread Loki’s legs. 

“You still want this Lokes?” 

“Yes..mhm. I want you, so bad.” With her confirmation to keep going, Tony buried his face in Loki’s pussy. He swirled his tongue around her clit, and gently pushed his tongue inside her vagina. Loki moaned in pleasure, her hands buried in Tony’s hair as he ate her out. She was wet and reading for him. Grabbing some lube out of the nightstand, Tony covered his fingers before gently sticking a finger inside Loki.

He was Slow at first, letting her get used to the discomfort of something being inside her. Once she was used to it, he pushed in a second finger, once she’d adapted, he gently began to stretch his fingers apart, she took the two fingers so well, she begged for another. With three fingers in her, she then begged for Tony’s dick. He’d put a condom on with some lube just to make sure it wasn’t uncomfortable, before he gently pushed the head of his penis into her vagina. Loki let out a deep moan as he did so. 

Loki was so warm and tight, Tony felt like a teenage boy who could cum right there. Moving slowly, he pumped into her, guiding her hips with his hands. Loki let out loud moans as he moved inside her. “Tony, I swear to Valhalla, if you don’t fuck me like you’re trying to break me, I will rip your dick off in your sleep.” She had threatened him. 

With that threat, Tony began to push into her harder, and faster, not giving her time to think as he fucked her senseless. She was a moaning mess below him. He could feel that she was close, the walls of her vagina had tightened around him more, and that made him feel even closer. “I’m close baby.” He’d mumbled into her hair. 

“Oh fuck.” She mumbled as she came hard, her vagina tightening around tony, whom came a moment after. He thrusted a one last time, the over stimulation was a lot. Tony pulled out and kissed her. 

“That was amazing.” she had whispered into his throat as he kissed the top of her head before disposing of the condom. 

“Well said.” Tony had smiled at her as he pulled on some boxers and grabbed Loki a pair. Once he had his on, he helped Loki pull hers on. Crawling into bed, he hugged her close, an arm around her waist, and breathed in the smell of her rose smelling shampoo. Together they fell asleep, legs tangled together, bodies tired from sex.


	9. My Beloved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and Kudos!

The sex was new in their relationship, but it was just like anything else they did. It wasn’t a deal breaker if they weren’t in the mood, Loki was just happy to cuddle with Tony. They’d gone more adventurous and daring with what they did. Loki’s favorite was probably being in control and dominating Tony. The way he had Tony below him, shaking and moaning, and wanting him, it made him feel powerful, it made him feel indestructible. They had used the light system, green for good, yellow for slow done, and red for stop. There wasn’t many times where they needed to stop, but Loki had discovered that he really couldn’t be tied up without having panic attacks and breakdowns. So after the first time they attempted that, they never did it again, it was too much too real for Loki. 

Tony loved sex with Loki. It never mattered what gender or body Loki had taken for the day, it was always intense and passionate. As a male, Loki would stick his ass up in the air and beg for daddy to use his ass. As a woman, Loki would sit on Tony’s face and tony would milk two orgasms out of her easily. After they had taken their relationship to a new level, Tony had decided that Loki was the one for him. He’d spent an evening in the lab designing a ring that was fit for a prince. 

The ring he had designed was gold with a green jewel. It was more of a simple band, because Loki’s preferred body was male, but the inside of the ring had, “My beloved” ingrained in it. Tony proposed in their favorite restaurant, both of them in their disguise. He’d gotten down on one knee, and gave her a beautiful speech. 

“I met you in war zone. You taught me that there was more to you than what met the eye, and that there was something to Love within you, it was below the harsh exterior, beyond the sarcasm and witty remarks. You taught me that to be a better lover, I needed to be a better man. We’ve had our ups and downs, and we’ve both hit rock bottom, and we’ve recovered and hit it again, but together, there’s nothing we can’t do together. I love you, a lot. And there isn’t anything more in the world I want then to marry you. I want you to be mine, forever. I want you to look at your left hand, and see the ring I gave you, my promise to love you, when you’re upset, when I can be beside you. Marry me Lo.”

Loki was in tears and so happy. She sobbed happy tears. “Yes.” They spent the night cuddling and eating chocolate strawberries in bed. With their relationship doing much better, meant the universe was trying to throw them for a loop. Loki knew that any article claiming Tony was seeing some woman (that wasn’t him in his female body), was fake, because he was almost always with his lover. 

Just to put an end to the rumors, Tony had gone out as himself, with Loki in her female body, and they showed off her ring. When asked by reporters, why it wasn’t the most godly and huge diamond, but rather was an emerald, Tony had said, “I didn’t need a ring to know I loved her, I didn’t need a diamond to show I loved her. Its watching her favorite shows in bed, and watching her laugh at videos of animals on the internet. Its her without makeup in the morning, its her when she’s tired, hurting and needing a bath after a long few days. She made me want to be a better man, She’s simple, she doesn’t need a flashy ring to be happy, nor does she want one. Its her.” 

Needless to say after that statement released to a magazine, Loki had taken Tony to bed and didn’t let him leave until morning. So far they had only decided on cake- it was a happy accident as well. Natasha had shared some birthday cake, and it happened to be the best cake they ever had. It was called Winter Chantilly, and it was amazing. Loki hadn’t decided what form he wanted to take for the wedding, but he was leaning towards woman a lot more lately. He liked the curves his body had, and the grace he felt that it carried. However, he’d noticed that he’d put on weight as of recently, it was a small amount, but he wasn’t used to it. The jeans that once fit really well, were now kind of tight. He also felt nauseous sometimes. Rather than tell Tony, he kept silent on it. 

It had gone on for roughly two and a half months before Loki began to realize what was going on. Luckily, he knew that he hadn’t drank in ages- it was too much a temptation which could lead to completely falling off the wagon. Tony had agreed, and they had decided to no longer drink, or allow alcohol on their floor. Going down to the medical floor while Tony was in the lab, Loki asked for a blood test to confirm his suspicions. Once he’d realized he was potentially pregnant, Loki feared shape shifting, despite the fact that he’d carried most of his children previously as a man. Once the tests were confirmed, he decided to wait a few days to tell Tony. 

Tony had gone on a short trip for a conference, and Loki hadn’t wanted to go. She’d told Tony she wasn’t feeling up to the trip, and stayed home. Her anxiety about leaving the tower was still quite high, the most she could manage was going out on short trips, hence the dinner dates. She felt safe in the tower, and didn’t want to leave. Not wanting to tell him on the phone, she decided to wait until he came home, but of course life went sideways and definitely not according to plan, because when Tony came home, he was supporting lots of bruises and cuts, and needed to fix his Iron Man suit. 

It scared Loki, that she could have lost him before she even told him, and that her crying in their bed for hours when she’d first heard of things getting tense. When he got home, she let him decompress before she then attached herself to him and cried. It was through her tears that she had mumbled out, “I was so afraid…I was afraid I would lose you before I even got the chance to tell you I was pregnant.”

Tony had heard what she’d said and was so excited. “How long have you known?”

“I noticed a few things were off, and so I went to get a blood test last week, I had my suspicions. It was right as you had left, and I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, but when shit had hit the fan, that was my biggest regret. I feared I was going to lose you, you weren’t going to come home, and then you wouldn’t know you were going to be a father.” She’d confessed, 

Tony hugged her tight and kissed her forehead, “I love you so much, and I love our new little one. How long is your pregnancies usually?” 

“With the others, it differed. The first was close to 12 or so weeks, or whatever is normal for a horse. The others were close to what a normal term is.” It was after Loki said that, that he realized that this child was going to come out as a freak. More tears fell and Loki sobbed into his hands. 

“What’s wrong lokes?”

“I…it’ll be a monster, like me…It’s only part human, and it'll be part frost giant, because my life is a literal lie.”

“Oh baby, remember how beautiful Lorelai was, she was no monster, and neither will be this little one. They will be beautiful, they’ll be ours.”

Loki hugged Tony tight and hid her face in his neck, trying to calm down. 

“I’m just really glad you’re home.” Loki had changed the subject.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to my first Avengers story, and my first story here on AO3! I've been working on this one for quite a while, and I'm super excited to share it.


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